By Richard Driscoll, Ph.D.

Insistence

While we might expect men to be more forceful than women in marital arguments, the research shows just the opposite, surprising our expectations.

Women tend to be more insistent, according to various researchers including John Gottman¹ at the University of Washington. Women argue more forcefully in almost twice as many marriages as men.

In the most lopsided arguments where only one argues and the other remains silent, by a ratio of 6 to 1, it is the woman who continues to argue and the man who remains silent. So in these most severe arguments, we see an almost complete separation between men and women.

Overwhelmed and confused

Men are typically more stressed and confused in arguments with women and remain bitter for longer afterward, while women are more comfortable amid verbal jousts, recover from them more quickly, in our ready for another round. Generally, it is fair to say that men are more intimidated in confrontations with women than the other way around.

Men are not blindfolded and gagged in arguments with women — it just seems that way.

Origins

Insistence has been a viable tactic for women, to test the strength of a commitment, while a reluctance to offend has been a more viable for men, who must rely on women to transport their genes into the next generation.

Suggestions

Marriages are better when men and women participate about equally. Amid our typical arguments, we offer a few obvious suggestions for men and for women:

Implications

If men were ordinarily more forceful in marital squabbles, then an increase in female power would promote equality. But since women are ordinarily more forceful, as observations indicate, the same solution pushes us farther apart. Men withdraw in the face of female accusation, leaving marriages emotionally barren and inhospitable. The challenge is to strike a proper balance, so that men and women can participate together and gain the best from each other.

¹J. Gottman and R. Levenson, "The Social Psychophysiology of Marriage." In P. Noller and M. Fitzpatric (eds.), Perspectives on Marital Interaction (Clevedon, Avon, England: Multilingual Matters, 1988), 182–202.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr. Richard Driscoll graduated from the University of Colorado in 1974, and is in private practice in Knoxville Tennessee.  He specializes in marriage and family therapy, conflict resolution, gender qualities, and spiritual experiences.  Driscoll has recently published "Opposites as Equals" with Nancy Ann Davis.  The authors identify innate differences between men and women, explore their origins, and suggest ways to resolve conflict and join together for our mutual benefit.  Driscoll and Nancy Ann Davis are in practice together, are married, and have three grown children. Richard Driscoll offers free consultation on ways to rise above chivalry and focus instead on benefits to family and community.  Dr. Driscoll is also a pioneer in anxiety reduction, and has published four anxiety reduction training including "Personal Shielding to Deflect Hostility" and "Tame Test Anxiety." His website: theOppositeSex.info and email: drD[SpamBuster]@theOppositeSex.info (remove [SpamBuster] to send e-mail)